Over the past month, there have been times when I’ve let my obsessive side take over. I’m learning that I have to take it easy and stop thinking and reading when I reach saturation point. I don’t have to find answers to everything immediately.
I’m starting to see light at the end of the tunnel, and feel that there has been some value in my research on religion. I feel that with Islam, most of the “wrestling” has been done – I don’t often come across things that need serious investigation now; I am starting to have some confidence that I know the lie of the land, so to speak. There is always more to learn, but the main arguments used against Islam – the main things that are potentially shocking – are things I have already encountered and thought about. Doing this has been difficult, but I now see the value of it as my fear of unknown shocks goes down. I also see that my thought processes are working on all of it, and this takes time… I need to patiently allow that to happen.
The questions I’m asking are really big ones: about the purpose of life; what God wants of us; how God communicates to us; what religion is, and what it is not. It’s perfectly possible to be really into religion and not really ever answer these questions in a satisfying way. Your heart is drawn to a shallow answer, and you go with the flow. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with that. But I want something more stable and secure than that now. I want to build my house on a rock.
Right now I feel strangely peaceful, and I dare to hope that God is pleased with my search. I don’t feel so guilty about my lack of commitment; I don’t feel that blind devotion to doctrine is of much value. I feel better about committing to an honest search.
I think my next move is to concentrate on reading scriptures and see what, if anything, inspires me. I accept that this will take time, that it has to take time, that over-saturation is not constructive. The fear that drives me to obsess is not faith, so I will try to step back and have faith that clarity will come to me.