I’m not sure how it can be that after so much thinking about God, I feel not very close to God. I feel like I don’t really know God… don’t have a clear picture of God… it has all been academic so far and not very personal… and so I don’t feel much towards God.
I mean, I know God is infinite mercy, and I should feel grateful to God for life and the chance to avail myself of that mercy… but I don’t. I know I should want to surrender myself to God, but I just don’t really understand what that means. I can think of lifestyles that are not surrendered to God, and I know I don’t want that, but mainly because I see it as bad for a person. I don’t see my choice of lifestyle as being an act of worship, or even much related to God. I suppose I should at least thank God that I’ve been guided away from some badness. I just find it hard to see God in it.
I know I can not be perfect, but I think I’m not very aware of my sin. So I don’t have much of a sense of needing to let go of things in surrender to God. One thing I am aware of is that I am fairly attached to the dunya (world), I worry about money and housing and children and even my retirement. Maybe I need to let go of that. Very hard though… I don’t entirely have faith that things will be “okay”, I don’t entirely trust God, and I certainly don’t trust myself to cope and remain faithful if things go “wrong”. This is a long-standing problem of mine.
Maybe this is what surrendering to God is about, then. Maybe I need to deepen my faith and knowledge of God to get there. It’s interesting that praying has brought me to these thoughts – maybe it is starting to work after all.