I have to break my silence

December 13, 2009 at 10:12 am (why I didn't convert to Islam)

I have realised I cannot be Muslim.

That feeling of certainty, of peace, has finally come to me – I didn’t want it to be like this, but I’ve been living a kind of hell for the past few weeks and it just feels so good to be out of it that I feel nothing but gratitude.

This whole long episode is like a fire that has refined me and I’ve come out purer, stronger, knowing much more clearly what I believe and what I don’t. I feel much closer to God and much more ready to trust God. I am not afraid of life any more at this point.

I am shocked that certainty has come so swiftly, but this is what happens when all the pieces suddenly slot together. When all is right with your head, then all is right with your heart too.

Not much has really changed, I still have much the same beliefs, and the same values. What was genuine has stuck. But I’m seeing life in colour again. It’s like when I left church – I can see beauty in the world again now.

I will explain more soon. My very next post will be about personal repercussions, and will be password-protected with a NEW password. If you would like the password, email me or leave a comment with your email address.




  1. Ms M said,

    Aww, welcome back. I missed you posts, and I love the snow and yes I want to read your next post! and I am really happy that you’ve made a decision because ”yes” it’s really painful being in between. *hugs*

  2. susanne430 said,

    I’m happy you are at peace after making some decisions recently. I’d love to read your personal post if you are so inclined. Thank you!

    My address is susanne430 (at) gmail (dot) com

    Best wishes, dear Sarah!

  3. LK said,

    Im glad you found what you’re looking for. And yes religion limbo sucks (I want out! LOL)

  4. Sarah Elizabeth said,

    Here is my email: pahman@uwalumni.com

    please send me the new password babes 🙂

  5. Stacy said,

    I came to much the same conclusion. Deciding that you can’t be muslim doesn’t mean that you can’t enjoy close friendships with muslims or learning from them though. You can send me the password for the next post if you like at
    subculturistic (at) hotmail (dot) com

  6. Achelois said,

    I have been trying for at least five minutes to comment. Hope it works this time.

    Whatever brings you peace, Sarah. That is most important. And I am sure God wants everyone who loves Him to be peaceful. This decision too has come from Him so it must be best for you.

    I love the falling snow. I absolutely love winter and Christmas.

    You have my email address 🙂 Would be grateful if I could have the password, but if not no problem.


  7. aynur said,

    I LOVE the snow, that’s the first thing I thought when I saw your page. 😉

  8. Ayan said,

    Welcome back to blogging! I missed you & your posts 😦

    There is no compulsion in religion, and I truely believe that God can only judge our decsions and sincerity. I hope my comment does not offend you, cause I don’t want to come out as being judgemental.

    I would like to read your new private posts, inshAllah. I will write a seperate comment below my current comment, with my email. Please delete my comment aftwards, so I don’t get random email from strangers. Thank you, Sarah 🙂

    Btw, love the falling snow … just not in real life lol. Lord, knows I hate winter (here in Canada!)

    • Wrestling With Religion said,

      Ayan – you don’t sound judgmental at all! Don’t worry about offending me. I am not easily offended. I am glad to still have Muslims interested in reading my blog and I hope we can still have some good discussions.

  9. aynur said,

    And I’d like the new password, please….. 🙂
    thanky. 🙂

  10. fariz said,

    ive been a silent reader of ur blog. and im so curious to know the story. ill be glad if u cn email me ur pw for the restricted post.

  11. Sarah said,

    Awww, we missed you too!

    I have to admitt though that I’m kida dissapointed about your decsion.. because I really wanted you to find the peace you looked for in Islam. A part of me wishes that you’d give yourself one more chance with Islam.. but I know that’s compeletely unfair thing for me to wish for.

    It’s your decsion, sweetie. and I truely believe that God will only judge us by our intentions, not nessarly by our succeses.

    I’d also still love to read more from you! =)

    My address is: crystal_87.9@hotmail.com

  12. Wrestling With Religion said,

    fariz – I will be posting the story publicly (how I got to this conclusion).

    Sarah – actually I haven’t closed the door to Islam, I am open to changing my mind, as always. Who knows, maybe someone will be able to answer all my questions. As a scientist I can’t completely close the door to any theory! 😉

  13. Sarah said,

    (actually I haven’t closed the door to Islam, I am open to changing my mind, as always.)

    Pfff, I don’t why that made me so insanly happy, but it did. =)

    Whatever you ultimately decide, I’ll always want to be your friend. Cuz you’re THAT awesome!

  14. Cornelius said,

    From the very first time I arrived at this blog, I knew that it’s just a matter of time. You were asking some interesting questions, which I myself have asked so many times in the past. And I knew that you will come to the inevitable conclusion, because I had the impression that you’re honest with yourself.

    The arguments you made in your other recent posts can only reasonably admit one conclusion. When one sees God behaving in such a way which is against His own teachings, one will eventually have doubts. Faith has got its limit. We are not allowed to do certain things, but God can do it, because it’s His right! We should not question His acts! When we see several strange acts by God, we’re always expected to fall back on faith—that God knows best! But as I said, faith has its limit.

    I haven’t been here for a while, because from your last post, I thought there won’t be anything new until January. So I must say that these latest few posts are quite a surprise to me.

    I’d like to read more on your protected post, please. Here’s my email address:


    Don’t worry, I’ll try to limit my comments (smile), and even if I do comment, I’ll try very hard to be polite (which I’m not so good at)… hehehe

  15. hennamenna said,

    What is this? Oh my Oh my…I’ve missed out 😦

    I just decided to stop by here for no particular reason the other day- well, actually because I miss your blogs and the discussions that follow-and I saw the most recent one and was so happy-I clicked and as always, was not disappointed. I got a little busy and had to stop somewhere in the middle of the discussion. I came back here this morning to finish and I SAW ALL THESE NEW BLOGS???!!!! 😀 I didn’t even notice them the other day. I can’t believe I’ve been missing my fav blog all this time?!

    I hope you are doing well…I would love to be able to read the pw protected post….if you don’t mind, can you please email it to—I believe you have it.

    It is SOOOO GOOD to see you back here. I really am happy. Please take care

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